Every time I post something on Facebook or Instagram, I ask myself, “Why am I doing this? Why am I sharing this personal and painful experience with everyone?” I’ll probably continue to ask myself those questions, but thankfully, I do have a few good reasons.
The most important reason for me sharing all of my experiences publicly is to help others who are going through this specific battle, and to help those of you who will be going through this battle at some later point in their lives. For the first couple of months when we were in doctor appointment phase, almost every single time I left the house, I encountered someone who was going through the same thing. Crazy huh? I think Heavenly Father knew that I wasn’t going to pick up the phone and dial up someone who had battled breast cancer and ask them all sorts of questions about it….I’m not sure I’m even ready for that now. But luckily, people were placed in my path, and once we began talking, I received a bit of a fighters’ attitude from each. Every person was so encouraging, that once I walked away, I felt….a little awesome. I could do this. In the meantime at home, however, I looked at a few blogs and you tube video journals…mostly the video journals actually, and seeing women get through their battle was so hopeful. I really have been wanting to do a video journal type thing, but I hardly have the energy. So, I’ll be writing for now, in hopes that my words will help others fighting the pink fight!
In the beginning I found myself saying “cancer” as often as I could. “I have cancer,” “Do I seriously have cancer?” “Cancer, cancer, cancer” “These are my new cancer pajamas,” or “I am going to sit down, be lazy, and watch youtube videos of Jimmy Fallon because I have cancer.” A sweet friend messaged me and compared reasons for saying “cancer” out loud to the same reasons Harry Potter says “Lord Voldemort” rather than “You Know Who.” Calling it “cancer,” and saying it out loud gives it less power. This has been so true for me. Saying it, makes it much less scary. Sending my experiences out into the digital universe, makes it less scary.
I’m sharing because I want to remember this huge, terrible, and great experience….I think. Actually, I’ll get back to you on that one…
My last reason for over sharing :) is that I receive so much strength from all of you. Your words help me breathe, your sweet packages of “cancer goodies” make me smile, and while I often do not have the courage or energy to call or message you back, I am thinking of you.
Thank you for letting me overwhelm you with information, complaining, and all of this cancer stuff. Today is my last day of feeling good for the next couple of weeks. Tomorrow I receive my third Chemo treatment. Ugh. That does mean, however, that I will only have five more to go! Silver linings, my friends. That is what life is all about, right? Finding the good and beautiful in all of the hardships we are facing. Anyway, sending love to you all.
P.S. I am not a writer. I am not going to spend a long time on these posts, because I cannot afford to and do not have the energy. There will be spelling errors, there will be incorrect grammar…but I do not care. :) I’m playing my cancer card here and telling you that my brain just doesn’t work that way. I can sing, dance, tumble (well, not anymore with the surgeries and babies I’ve had), play the violin and piano, photograph, and do tons of other awesome things….can you? :) Our brains and bodies work differently, so you’ll have to be patient and forgive my mistakes.