In high school, one of my teachers had her students “spill the beans” on the back side of a test…which meant to just write everything you knew and needed to remember on the back of your test to use as a reference. At least, that is how I remember it. I could be making that up completely…but oh well. That is how I remember it. And that is what I feel like doing right now.
This life is a test. One big giant test that is actually not too difficult when you can see clearly. It is one big giant test made up of thousands and thousands of problems, big and small. When we are able to see clearly these problems aren’t terrible. We can look at them and figure out the ways to solve them. Some solutions will be good, some will be better, and some will be best. I could go on, but I really just want to get my feelings down. Right now, so I’m going to leave this test and problem conversation right now…and just focus on spilling some beans. Freeing these dark thoughts that won’t leave me alone.
I went to bed late last night. When I do that, it messes me up so badly that I feel like I’m drowning for the entire next day. I want to find a hole and never leave. Thoughts of doom and gloom enter my brain and make themselves at home in there. They make themselves so comfortable that I feel as if they’ll never leave. Their depressing energy seeps into every part of my body and…I can’t see clearly.
It’s just a day, but days like these feel like eternity.
Did you know that there have been studies that show that emotions are contagious? When you are around someone who is happy and upbeat, you will start to feel that way. When you are around someone grumpy and frustrated, you will feel that as well. Because of contagious emotions, and not really seeing clearly, I feel like I can’t reach out to anyone. It’s so heavy, so exhausting, and I just can’t. I can’t.
So…I figured that writing about it would help. I’m writing about it on a blog that I haven’t touched in years. Most likely no one will read this…ever. But it still feels good to put it out there.
Here are some of the terrible awful dark and twisty thoughts that keep rattling around in me. Remember, I know that I am not seeing clearly right now, so I don’t think I actually believe these thoughts….if that makes any sense.
Life sucks. I’m sick of my sick body. I’m sick of trying. I’m sick of being too tired to try. I’m tired. I’m tired of being tired. I am making life difficult for everyone around me. They would be better off without me. My kids would be better off without me. They need a mom who can get through a day without having to rest all the time. They need a mom who isn’t sick all the time. They need a positive mom. My husband needs someone who can hold the fort down better. Someone who can be awesome and cook healthy meals instead of serving cereal for dinner. Someone who can keep the house picked up. They are better off if I am gone. I’m better off gone. I’m so tired. If the cancer came back… I honestly do not know if I would want to fight it again. I can’t do all of the health basics that I need to do. WHEN? WHEN AND HOW CAN I DO THIS?!?!?!? I’m to tired to do any of it. I feel like I’m spread so thin…and yet I am hardly doing anything. I have an eye infection that won’t go away…my eye is swollen, sore, and blurry. It’s such a small thing but it’s driving me crazy which makes me feel guilty for being so annoyed with something so insignificant. I’m tired. Help. Help. Help. Help. Help. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I just want to stay asleep.
Reading those thoughts over makes me feel even more pathetic and useless.
It’s just a day; a bad day. How do you get through a bad day? I usually just wait it out, barely hang on, and start fresh the next morning. It works, but….I am ready to have fewer bad days.
I spilled my beans, though I know these were the wrong beans to spill, I am hoping these beans will leave my mind. I hope to start my next problem day with good beans and see much more clearly tomorrow morning. And to do that, I need to go to bed EARLY. Crazy early.